What the fuck is this show meant to be about?!?!?!?

Ladette to Lady is ITV’s latest offering in their whole line of crap reality shows. Don’t the idiots that control the money for programming up there actually realise that the whole reality show business has been flogged to death - yet they still seem to be huddled around the porcelain throne in some canteen toilet cubicle, sharing lines of coke and devising more ridiculous ways of tearing flesh off of this dead horse.

Here’s the premise - 10 crude, obnoxious, alcoholic chavette’s get sent to Eggleston Hall to go through a finishing school type scenario, taken by some fat woman from “two fat ladies”, the one that didn’t die, and i think 3 other clones of Barbera Woodhouse, which isn’t really a bad thing as it looks like these cum guzzling, alkies need to be trained the canine way.

BUT - allow me to champion the chavs!!

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Unearthed by the good folks at TMZ the latest in the whole line of Hollywood Celebrity Sex Tapes has come to light…..
Who could it be? Another Paris Hilton Tape? Another Pamela Anderson Tape??

Is it Bollocks - it’s fucking Screech from Saved by the Bell!!!!

Yepp, the crystal meth & crack pipe has finally broken this moron’s mind. He has decided to try and cash in the power of his real name “Dustin Diamond”, which no one can deny is probably the ultimate 70’s porno name ever without having to use your first pets name, the street you first puked on, the number of the 3rd house you lived at or however the shit you generate your own porno name.

That’s not all, his crack addled brain obviously thought - “Well, i don’t want to make a fake porno like the rest, i better mix it up a bit” So, he films himself giving the groupie a Dirty Sanchez!!!!

Well done Screech, you fucktard.

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Well, this week formula 1 went to the land of the rising sun, China. Thinking about it actually, with the recent prisoner organ sale scandal i actually understand now why Bernie Ecclestone was so keen to go there…he’s obviously got some deal going where he gets all the blood & body parts of the prisoners that he needs to use in his satanic rituals to keep the ageing demons away!! Seriously, this guy has got to be at least 100 years old, yet he still there every Sunday, peddling his wares.

However, i digress.

China was the best race of the season so far. The championship is now going to be a straight battle for the next two races, which will obviously culminate in the favour of scuderia Ferrari, for which we should all be happy.

BUT, let me tell you where Bernie Ecclestone & this current F1 bunch of clowns have got it all wrong.

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Its not very often i see something about books or learning that i actually pay any attention too - the TV & special brew fixed that, but this one is more than worthy of a mention:

“Celebutard” - a blend of celebrity, debutante and retard - would be used to describe a celebrity noted for displays of stupidity.

HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHA AHAHAHHAHHAHA!!!!

This is the best part “used to describe a celebrity noted for displays of stupidity”. So that means virtually ALL current Hollywood wannabes / glorified fluffers

Even though it may not replace my preferred use of “Fucktard”, this is possibly the best word to come into the English vocabulary since chavalanche

And for the Sesame Street part:
Celebutard has been bought to you by Colins Word web and is featuring in a new book I Smirt, You Stooze, They Krump.

Lost starts back on US TV tomorrow night and it seems that people are actually getting excited about this?!! What in shits name is wrong with them?!?!?!

Let me get this straight from the outset:

LOST IS THE MOST RETARDED SHOW EVER

Channel 4 went on a full offensive to ramp this show up when it first arrived in the UK, even tricking me with their slick promo of seemingly drugged up lunatics dancing to the seminal tune of Portishead - Numb on a beach with a smashed aeroplane AND stuff on fire! Now, i think to myself - “yeah… fire, smashed stuff… portishead… i wonder if there will be midgets…” Any show that uses a teaser like that i want part of!

How wrong could i be?

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Horizon hit another classic show with Survivors guide to plane crashes last night!!

This is what TV needs to start doing more - installing the fear of god into already nervous flyers - but at the same time, training the more CTU minded of us with more way’s of leaving our dieing “friends” in blazing aircraft, while we escape with an airhostess, the airlines supply of champagne and a duty free watch.

Normally, i size up my fellow passengers for one’s that i may have to maim should they get out of hand on any flight i embark on - but these power’s of pre-emptive reconnaissance are increased with my new found knowledge of surviving the point of impact, crashing into the sea and what to do in a fire.

This in mind, here is my DEFINATIVE guide for surviving a flight - even if it doesn’t crash.

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That is me ACTUALLY punching the keyboard in anger just thinking about this idiot Danan.

This Grade A cunt pisses me off so bad i can’t even begin to express it, yet late last night i’m flicking through the channels after the 10 minute preview on Television X and i find some show that has completely passed my television radar -
Test Drive my Girlfriend”.

What in the phuck is this shit?!!!!!!!

Danan - proven psychotic Z-list celebrity - who stalked the girls on Celebrity Chlamydia Island to the point of almost sexual harassment, get’s sent out on dates with poor fame hungry little girls, infact, in last nights case, some un-suspecting polish refugee - WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
At least they should have had the decency to send him out with people who know his track record!!

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Obviously a slow news day over at MSN - so they come out with this “gem” stolen from a Marie Clair interview with Graham Norton.

TV star Graham Norton has revealed he has taken “loads of drugs” and that the drug ecstasy is “just fantastic - really, really fun”.

Yeah - good one Norton you donkeys cock.

Obviously in some desperate attempt to sound “cool” and appeal to old skool ravers Norton has decided to show off his drug consumption to “identify” with those, now, 30 something’s that need something to watch on a Saturday night while they snorting lines of coke from their IKEA coffee tables. i don’t buy it for a minute.

However - what an excellent advert for his loyal band of 13 to 15 year old supports he’s gaining from his primetime contract at the beeb. I’m sure they all wanted to know what the next logical step up from snatching gulps of their mother’s gin and drinking cocktails made from the contents of Liquors chocolates would be… yeah pills & “loads of drugs”.

We all know that Norton was probably wandering through canal street pumped up to the eyeballs on liquid gold and thought he was on Crystal Meth or something and probably spent the next month “coming down” and bragging about it to all the fag hags and twink’s that make up his entourage.

Bring back Kenny Everett or John Inman. ASAP.

While looking for naked pictures of forthcoming “im a Celebutard get me out of here” contestant Gemma Atkinson, i found this gem:

Man, Kim Bauer aka Elisha Cuthbert is getting hotter & sluttier as time goes on. This is a good thing.

So hopefully it’s playboy for her soon - its too bad she’s too high profile now to descend into proper porn, although saying that she hasn’t been in any major movies, so there are still possibilities

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It looks like its coming to that time of year again when ITV are dragging that old chestnut “I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here” back to our screens - although, i’m actually looking forward to it!!

Take 10/12 no hoper Z-list celebrities, put them in a camp in the middle of the jungle in Australia, make out its going to be “all good fun” then torture theses fuckers to breaking point by making them crawl through underground tunnels full of insects & snakes - or just make them eat the insects raw HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I LOVE THIS SHOW!!! finally a show that tortures the very idiots that waste my TV viewing time!!

According to this crap: these are the latest celebrities to be vying for another shot of the limelight:

hearsays Myleene Klass - good potential for tits here.
Ex-boy band whore Matt Willis
Some hot chick from hollyoaksGemma Atkinson
90’s sixth formers favourites “James” star Tim Booth

And possibilities - but more than likely not, just rumours from agents desperate to keep the Big Brother losers in the limelight, Pete Bennett and his ex she-bitch Nikki Grahame.

Ok, let’s break this shit down

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