The Clover Butter ad

So, you’re kicking back on your Eames in the ad agency and your top team are pissing you off, badly. You’ve got a big client looking for a new ad, so what do you do with your execs? OBVIOUSLY You put them into a darkened room for a month, feed them a diet of Vitamin Valium & Ketamine, pump the My Dying Bride album in on constant loop - wait till the point they have morphed into fucking emo kids and are looking for a shoe lace to hang themselves with, THEN, and only THEN, they are ready - READY TO TOTALY DO the Clover ad!!!!

This ad is the worst, i mean the WORST ad i’ve seen in ages. Nothing can really live up to either the vacuum cleaning robots ad or the Marks & Sparks food & lingerie ads, but this polished up am-dram effort is painful.

Right, to the script, with added directors notes.

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The River Cottage Treatment

First things first, Hugh Fearnley–Whittingstall IS a cunt.

The only reason i get addicted to any of the River Cottage programmes is the hope of seeing Hugh get pissed on his moonshine cider with his yokel friends, going out on one of his mushroom picking sessions, eating a crap load of magic mushrooms and waking up two days later naked on the aga covered in his own shit!! hahahaha! That would actually teach him for the flambéed human placenta pâté he cooked up that time to his middle class gang - the type of cunts that will only use parmesan & rosemary encrusted ciabatta instead of FUCKING HOVIS to make beans on toast for their kids, just because the observer monthly told them so.

Anyway, this return to the River Cottage Empire actually has a new format - instead of Hugh guiding us through him growing a leek, boiling it and passing it off as soup at the local market - we now have a weekly bunch of retarded idiots who eat nothing but processed cheese & remoulded meat that Hugh has to try and convert to organic produce.

These MSG addicts are worse than crackheads - and the first one to piss me off was “Tony” a “veg-aphobic” - what the fuck?!?!?!?! He wouldn’t eat any vegetables at all - YOU FRIGGN WANKER!!! There was nothing physically stopping him eat veg, you think those starving kids in Africa have a veg phobia??? HAVE THEY BOLLOX!!! This fat, balding fucker should have been sent there to give a sermon on why he won’t eat veg - those bastards would have slaughtered him and barbecued his ass before he got onto his Tescos ready meal curry addiction. cuhnt.

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Sadly, Calum Best escapes a whipping

Calum Best, although not as retarded as Paul Danan he is as vile and still pisses me off. So, the best news i hear in ages comes via the mongoloids over at MSN with what will never be voted “news story of the year”, but should be, Police rescue Calum Best from yobs

Playboy Calum Best has been rescued by police after revellers at a nightclub threatened to turn nasty.

HAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Finally, the baying mobs retaliate!! It was only a matter of time really!! You go on “reality tv” and act like a complete nonce, what do you expect?!??!?! A pat on the back?!?! HHAHAHAHA i’m still laughing!!!!

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Celebrity Scissorhands

Steve Strange!!!! STEVE STRANGE!!!! Where on earth did the beeb dig this old sod up from?? i thought he just vanished in a blizzard of columbian gold, along with the rest of the 80’s, but no!! He has been busted out of some mental institute and put on Children In Need’s Celebrity Scissorhands!!!

The BBC decided to rip off channel 4’s “The Salon” with what is promising to be another kaleidoscope of human tragedy!!!! But then who cares, channel 4 are just pissing me off with the constant repeats of dumbass top 100 list shows - yeah good way to fill 3 hours of programming without having to pay any fees, that’ll help in the £70 million Endemol want for the next Big Brother hahahahahaha!!

What have we got in celeb Scissorhands? A MASSIVE exercise in product placement - we all know what’s in the pink pots in every shot you bastards - and a bunch of D-listers (D-list rather than Z as i’ve actually heard of all of these people) let loose with scissors & genuine humans from the general public - this is going to be bad!!! But anything with mentally unstable 80’s sensations in it IS UNMISSABLE!!!!

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playdate - the casting call

Right, anyone that ever says they were “just browsing the classifieds” at craigslist is a liar. Everyone goes there to perv over the casual encounters or in the vain hope that the girl whose tits they were visually molesting on the tube has posted in missed connections

So anyway, i was browsing the classifieds over at craigslist and came across the best thing ever a casting call for playdate!!!!

PLAYDATE NEEDS PUNTERS
Reply to: stewart@hammaglamma.com
Date: 2006-10-31, 12:14PM GMT/BST

Hi Guys,
Come and have fun on the latest new singles programme on ITV.
Playdate is the most exciting and energized dating show. It’s fun, laid back, txting and speaking with people.
Call our lovely team here at eeZeeTV studios in beautiful Kentish Town.
0207 691 2307
ask for Lolly, Leanne, Tom and Gee, if you like to be apart of this new fab programme!!

It’s like a red rag to a bull and i’m straight on the phone!!

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Too Fat to Walk

WHAT THE SHIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Obviously Channel 4 must have a policy of rewarding their programming execs with rich man’s aspirin and Dominatrix hookers.

The combination of a nose candy come down & the desire for retribution after 8 hours of paddling attached to the spreader bar has led to them exacting revenge by rounding up a bunch of fatties and forcing them to walk 500 miles across country from Devon to Edinburgh in the “seminal” piece of programming too big to walk!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This was probably sold to ch4 as another string in bow of “health” programs to try and stop us turning into fat Americans - but it isn’t. It was basically cut as a modern day freak rodeo!! And to prove it just reinforced stereotype’s of Salad Dodger: Who wasn’t laughing when the porkie’s were whining after 5 minutes of walking? EVERYONE WAS, LET ME TELL YOU.

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Scissorhands Update

Darren Day and his stupid greying flat top is really pissing me off - why doesn’t he just hop into a transit, stick “daz & van” on the side and just fucking vanish?? Aside from him basically admitting he was a sex pest on Mondays show to Ortis & Stafford, then trying to disguise it as an addiction to sex, yesterday he doesn’t even bother showing up, shockingly, Blondie from the Apprentice doesn’t come in either - i bet he was round her flat banging on her door, trousers round his ankles saying he just wanted to “talk” hahaha cuhnt.

Shaky Steve Strange is the Main man of this show. Monday, they roll in a bunch of bikers - so who better to put out to cut some Gandalf looking bikers hair??/ STEVE OF COURSE!!! Man, hasn’t Stafford learnt yet? Steve shakes more than Marty McFly on the campaign trail yet they still let him butcher peoples hair!! This is BRILLIANT!!!

Last night, his victim comes in, asks who’s cutting her hair, then shits her pants when she finds out its STEVE!!! Obviously seeing the “Gandalf too Mullet” creation of yesterday, she knew what was coming!!! HAHAHA!!!!

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im a celebrity get me out of here line up

DAVID GEST!!!!!!!!! DAVID FUCKING GEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH HOLY SHIT!!!!!! The official “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” line up has now been released by the cocksuckers at ITV.

Jason Donovan & David Gest the surprise entrants. I can see it all now - Donovan going cold turkey, trying to smoke banana skins while Gest dresses him up as Dorothy and parades him around on a lead - throw those bastards PJ & Duncan AND the Osbourne Kid in the mix and it’s truly a melting pot of disaster!

So, who are all the winners of three solid weeks worth of mockery?

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scissorhands watch

Darren Friggin Day is a fucktard. This guy is just a whining little pussy - he thinks because he’s in the Salon from hell that he can use it as a platform to whine & bitch to EVERYONE who comes in those doors in a vain attempt to “clear his name”. No, you fuck, it doesn’t work like that. There is no “triumphant comeback” waiting for you - hopefully just a mob of groupies carrying bastard Day babies singing Any dad will do and an even bigger mob of angry husbands who thought their wives were going to watch grease but instead got greased up hahahaha wanker

So what’s been going on the past few days? More Steve Strange bad haircuts!!!! People are obviously not watching the show - it simple - if Steve is going to but your hair - its going to get phuckd!!! That’s it and all about it - there’s no need to cry about it afterwards to the personality void that is Alex Zane - it’s just fucked!! Sell the clipping to the idiots on ebay. No one else cares about your bitching i like to see all the holes & uneven lines in your head after you get a FREE hair cut for charity. Idiots.

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The Lookey Likey Show

10.30am Monday morning, itv 2 offices.
There is a dilemma.
Nothing to fill the 9pm to 10pm slot on Thursday.
“Steve” has been called to his boss’s office to pitch some ideas…

This IS, probably, the building blocks on how programs like The Lookey Likey show are commissioned. That and the guaranteed twatted reaction of star stuck idiots that have nothing better to do all day than roam around shopping centers, pit bull in hand.

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